Okay… here’s the deal.
This is hard. Blogging is DIFFICULT for me sometimes… not because I don’t like writing, not because I don’t enjoy expressing myself, but because I get scared.
I get scared of being honest.
I get scared of putting my feelings out for the world to see.
I get scared of being thought foolish, or lazy, or false.
I get scared of what you’ll think of me…
I get scared that you’ll have no opinion at all.
One of my goals for 2010 is to care a whole lot less about what everyone thinks of me. To not measure myself against anyone else… to not measure my value in blog comments or @replies, or emails.
But I find myself sensoring myself, and leaving out details and information… experiences I’m going through, for fear of your reaction (or lack of reaction).
So, I’m going to take a page from heather and mish, (two girls who are so refreshingly candid that it makes me write posts like this) and work on being more honest with you, because, let’s face it. You’re my friends… my family… my accountability. If I can’t be honest with you, then I’m almost certainly not being honest with myself.
That being said, I need to come clean about something (probably several somethings, but one day at a time! 
)
I’ve been pretty quiet about my participation in the Dallas Rock n Roll half marathon.
In December, I went for an amazing 4 mile run. I felt strong and steady… like I could run for days. The following morning, I could barely walk. I brushed it off, rested for a few weeks, got on our dtreadmill and blundered through about half a mile before quitting due to pain. Two mondays ago, I got on again, and managed to run 30 seconds before literally falling off in tears.
I vistited the podiatrist, who confirmed that I have a case of plantar fasciitis and peroneal tendonitis. She’s told me that I won’t be running for a couple of weeks for sure, until my follow up appointment next week where we’ll “see where things are”. I still experience pain daily (hourly?) and I’ve got to keep it real. Even if she decides that the PF is better by March, I will CERTAINLY not be running 13 miles comfortably, not to mention that as someone recovering from PF, the idea of running/walking for 3 hours is, at this point, NOT recommended by my doctor.
I’ve cried, trust me.
But can you believe that my tears were because I would have to tell YOU? Cause I don’t want you, (many of you, strangers) to think that I’m weak, or quitting, or making excuses.
Girls like caitlin, for example, just seem to LAUGH in the face of injury… (Is she tougher than me? Is she made of stronger stuff than I?)
So, with a heavy heart, I have to be honest with you, and with myself. The 2010 Rock n Roll half is just NOT a healthy endeavor for me.
UGGHHHHHHHHHH.
I just have to be smart, and I have to stay healthy, and I have to get well so that I can run until I’m 90 years old, and part of that is making good decisions. There are a bajillion of other halfs, and when I’m well, I know that I’ll take one on. I know that it will happen, but I have to listen to my body and my doctor.
I’ve worried that I’m letting you all down. I’ve worried that you’ll feel like I haven’t earned your respect… that I’m not hardcore enough.
(I’m sure you won’t believe this, but there are girls, more than I ever expected, who have told me that I have inspired them. That I’ve encouraged them to be better, reach higher, work harder. And I’ve worried that I don’t deserve that admiration. That I don’t deserve to be in a position of influence, of guidance, of leadership.)
But, this is a passing of a torch. A closing of a chapter.
I just can’t care so much what you think, and I can’t wait on baited breath for your approval, and I can’t cry over your disappointment.
I’ve got to stop being so hard on myself, and start loving and nurturing my efforts and progress instead…
So, there it is. Time to click “publish”
xo
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kels Not Chels, ThenHeatherSaid. ThenHeatherSaid said: HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY – read this candid post RT @KelsNotChels: This one was really tough for me. *sigh* http://bit.ly/6Bjk4U [...]
Twitter: thenheathersaid
says:
did you know i ADORE you.
a)thank you for saying sweet things about me.
but more importantly -
I AM PROUD OF YOU for being honest. and open. and facing your fears!!!
woohoo for Kelsey!
also – you will get there. keep listening to your body. throw yourself into ANOTHER goal that does not include foot pain (which, just a reminder, you’ve ALREADY DONE with all hte new yoga you’re doing!!!) I am proud of you for a million reasoins- and you have and DO inspire me!! on so many levels.
YOU ARE WONDERFUL.
and you’ve done a great job refusing to give up on taking care of yourself. Sometimes, things just need to be readjusted. Maybe this foot thing is your body’s way of saying “i dont want to run. i want to yoga. more yoga, please. and now.”
just a thought
or seven.
xoxooxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxo (millions of hugs and kisses)
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Willpower & Grace =-.
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 2:14 pm
you know, you’re right about yoga… what a BLESSING yoga has been lately, and it really is where I feel like I’m supposed to be. I love that feeling. xoxo
.-= Kelsey´s last blog ..keeping it real (no, really.) =-.
[Reply]
I can relate to your post in many ways. from worrying (too much) about what others will think … to having running hopes and dreams sidelined by injuries. I had to stop because of some undiagnosed issue with my hip. My hip is better but I’m faltering in starting up again.
you may want to look into the book “Pain free” by Peter Egoscue – I believe he has some exercises to heal & prevent Pf … he’s all about getting your body in alignment ….
Anyway, I know I’m just one reader, but I’m proud of you for doing what’s tight for your body, and for blogging a difficult post.
.-= Kimodified´s last blog ..A lotta behind =-.
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 2:15 pm
I will definitely check out that book, thank you for the recommendation. I wish you well too! let’s get better!!
.-= Kelsey´s last blog ..keeping it real (no, really.) =-.
[Reply]
Twitter: OperaWife
says:
I TOLD you nobody was going to judge you. You are such a fabulous person, and I’m PROUD of you for admitting this to the world for accountability’s sake, and so that we can tell you to stop beating yourself up and be proud of your healthy decisions. <3
.-= Mandy´s last blog ..Ups and Downs =-.
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 2:17 pm
haha… thank you mandy… you’re right, betcha you didn’t think you’d be my accountability too!!
.-= Kelsey´s last blog ..keeping it real (no, really.) =-.
[Reply]
What a sweet honest post. I have let a few secrets out in the last little bit on my blog too, and have felt nothing but support, which is amazing! I hope you feel that too!!
Yay for you for being honest, I hope good things come out of this for you!
Take care,
Jessica
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 2:18 pm
Thanks for commenting! I’ve added your blog to reader and plan on catching up and getting to know you better.
getting things off your chest can REALLY feel good, as I just found out.
thanks again for your comment, I appreciate it so much.
.-= Kelsey´s last blog ..keeping it real (no, really.) =-.
[Reply]
Twitter: jharbweave
says:
YOU ARE AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! Seriously, you should never feel like you’re letting us down. We’re just the internet after all!
You should do things for yourself because that feeling of joy when you cross the finish line is something you can’t describe to someone else! Do it for you and we’ll all follow!
Plus you’re awesome and no one can be perfect all of the time!
.-= Jess @ Jessica is Getting Fit´s last blog ..Annual Wellness Screening Time! =-.
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Thanks jess… I wish I could give you a great big REAL LIFE hug. you’ve been such a light for me, and your friendship means so, so much.
.-= Kelsey´s last blog ..keeping it real (no, really.) =-.
[Reply]
Twitter: ashleezorn
says:
oh sweetie, this is YOUR blog, a place for YOUR feelings. you should never be ashamed to share things that happen in your life. injury sucks, and it’s ok to cry about that. but don’t feel defeated! take care of yourself and then run it when your body is ready. we’ll all be here to support you and cheer for you no matter when that is. i think in the blogging community, you get so much support and so many people rally around you that you feel like you’re letting people down (aka my 20/20 challenge…) but really, you just have to put yourself first, and do what’s best for you!
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 2:20 pm
haha… you know what’s funny? I didn’t even REALIZE the parallels between your 20/20 and my own fears. you’re totally right. We’re so concerned about the impact on others, that its easy to forget that we have to come first.
Thanks for reminding me, ash. 
.-= Kelsey´s last blog ..keeping it real (no, really.) =-.
[Reply]
First of all I really think blogging is a wonderful for of theraphy. I write things I would not say to people in real life and yet share it with the internet. It’s a wonderful feeling.
Second, do not compare yourself to other people. No one know your pain and no one knows what is best for your body – you do and there will be other races for you to complete. You can’t only not care about what others think of you, but you also can’t try to be what other people are, or what you think they are, or what you think you should be to be good enough. Ya know? Live your life.
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Oh wow! HANGRY PANTS! What a treat, thank you for commenting, it means so much.
You’re so right, I’ve got to realize that I’m the only person who has all the information, and I’ve got to do what I have to do…
“live your life” so simple, but such good advice. Thanks again.
.-= Kelsey´s last blog ..keeping it real (no, really.) =-.
[Reply]
So interesting that you wrote this, because I was talking about this idea of comparison and being self-critical with my counsellor this weekend. I find it hard to think that I am not the #1 at everything. If I join a race…I want to be #1, I want the most amount of readers, the highest grade, the biggest etc. It’s how I value myself.
I have thought a lot about running a race. I am not too sure yet if it’s something that I want to do. I get to about mile 4 in training and want to quit.
I came to the realisation that previously I had ran the race, because I felt that I had to. That ‘everyone was running one so I should do’. Now that is stupid…but it’s the comparative BS that has rattled my brain and it NOT healthy for me.
For me, what I am really going to focus on is being able to really listen to my body and try and acknowlege….but give no weight to the critical me.
Keep going. Find other things that give your strength. You know what…in doing so…you’ll inspired not only yourself…but others
Hugs, M
[Reply]
kelsey @ kelseytoney
Twitter: Kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
Man, you’re so right… I’m dealing with the fact that a BIG part of why I signed up for the half at all, was because it is EN VOGUE… I mean, all these bloggers do it, why not me.
But maybe it really isn’t what’s best for me, or more importantly… maybe it won’t really make me happy anyway.
[Reply]
Michelle@Eatingjourney Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 9:14 pm
and that is the most important thing. There are HEAPS of fitness challenges you can do…and there are many people who aren’t runners, but could kick my ass holding the plank, could bench press me, could lunge their way around the world.
keep your chin up and do what YOU want to do
Here cheering you on!
[Reply]
Twitter: GeekTurnAthlete
says:
You are so brave for admitting that you can’t do the race! That would be so hard for me to do. Have you tried aquajogging as an option while your foot heals? It is supposed to be just a little less effective than actually running. A lot of professional athletes do it, and bounce right back! After two months of aquajogging, you still retain 90% of your running ability. Good luck!
.-= Nicole @ Geek Turned Athlete´s last blog ..I am NOT an Airhead! =-.
[Reply]
kelsey @ kelseytoney
Twitter: Kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 8:51 pm
I’ve never even HEARD of aquajogging! Is it just… well… jogging underwater? or does it require equipment or something?
[Reply]
Nicole @ Geek Turned Athlete
Twitter: GeekTurnAthlete
Reply:
January 26th, 2010 at 3:29 am
This explains it all:
http://geekturnedathlete.com/2010/01/14/injured-and-cant-run-aqua-jog/
Good luck!
.-= Nicole @ Geek Turned Athlete´s last blog ..Random Jogger =-.
[Reply]
Twitter: savvyeat
says:
Love the honesty, girl. Better to take care of yourself now and be able to keep running in the future.
[Reply]
kelsey @ kelseytoney
Twitter: Kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 8:52 pm
Thank you, sweet girl… I really appreciate the support.
[Reply]
You have shown such courage in writing this post! You should be so proud for challenging yourself to open up. It certainly isn’t easy; I completely understand your fears and concerns about being judged, and about letting others down. But know that you have left no one down. Your honesty is inspiring! (And you deserve that admiration!)
[Reply]
kelsey @ kelseytoney
Twitter: Kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 8:53 pm
Thank you, Katie! I may feel good about it today, but who knows how I’ll feel as I get closer to the race day… thank you for your continued support.
[Reply]
You have to do what is right for your health!
It really sounds like you are making the right decision, though I can imagine how frustrating it is.
Hang in there, friend!
.-= Angie´s last blog ..Warm Food for a Cold Day =-.
[Reply]
kelsey @ kelseytoney
Twitter: Kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 8:54 pm
I know I do… but it IS hard.
I sure do miss you!! I hope you’re doing awesome.
[Reply]
The best thing about writing a blog is that you really can be honest, and someone out there, even if it is one person, will appreciate and learn from it! It gives you the ability to touch lots of people, even if they never comment or email. Keep in mind that many more people read your blog than you may know, and many of them are inspired by your strength, your perseverance, and the fact that you are real.
.-= Joanna´s last blog ..Food Should Taste Good =-.
[Reply]
kelsey @ kelseytoney
Twitter: Kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 8:55 pm
you’re so right, Joanna… Some people read and never say anything, and you know what… that is totally ok. And I should continue to write a blog for me, and NOT for any audience.
[Reply]
Kels, You are STILL an inspiration! Either way the thing that inspires is not the things you check off a checklist it is your journey in a healthy lifestyle and your openness about it! We all struggle with setbacks that is why so many people don’t get back up on the horse…b/c it is self defeating. You are an incredible chick with a giant heart! Don’t let this stop you from achieving something you set out for. Listen to your body and do it when your ready. Just want to say there is no judgment here. I struggle all the time. The thing that sets us apart is are we going to keep it up? YES!
.-= Liz Rock´s last blog ..Running thus far =-.
[Reply]
kelsey @ kelseytoney
Twitter: Kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
But you’re right… as soon as I can, I’ll be back out there again. I know it.
[Reply]
hey kels, I know what you mean about the fear of being so open & hoest sometimes! But in my experience, it always works out for the best.
I think running injuries cripple everyone in the same way: we feel defeated, weak, frustrated and like we have no control (which we don’t). I sometimes think it would be preferable to have a broken leg or something, something that requires a cast and says to everyone: nope, I indeed cannot run, even if I wanted to. BUT these running injuries are serious and if you talk to anyone who started running again too soon, you’ll realize it’s not worth the risk.
The disappointment is huge, but you will cope and you will find new goals to work towards. There are so many half marathons out there and you’re so young – apparently real half-marathoning starts in your thirties and the best time for marathoning is in your forties.
That said, I hope you do feel better soon!
[Reply]
kelsey @ kelseytoney
Twitter: Kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 9:03 pm
lol, ruby… I definitely felt better about things when I was walking with a limp (stupid) maybe I should get a cane just so everyone will leave me alone!
[Reply]
[...] want to thank you guys for your support in my dramatic heartfelt post yesterday. Squishy hugs for all of [...]
You’re amazing. And SO inspiring, hello miss I’ve lost over 20 lbs! You can so do it and will someday, I proud of you for being smart, listening to your doc and not pushing your body to do something that might cause permanent damage in the future. Also for being honest! I find that people find it refreshing, and that’s JUST what it was! XO friend!
[Reply]
kelsey @ kelseytoney
Twitter: Kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 9:04 pm
You inspire me everytime you blog. xoxoxo
[Reply]
Hey there! Awww…don’t be afraid of what others think of you! It’s easier said and done but once you really can do that, your life is improve a million. I know that it did for me. Thanks for sharing and showing how you feel so openly.
.-= Chris´s last blog ..Bridgestone Motorcycle Tires =-.
[Reply]
kelsey @ kelseytoney
Twitter: Kelsnotchels
Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 9:05 pm
thanks a lot chris…
[Reply]
[...] after the big “REVEAL” last week, wherein I told all of you, my closest bloggie friends that I wouldn’t be running in [...]
Twitter: devonstiles
says:
I almost had to drop out of my 1/2 marathon a week before. It sucks. It really does. But you need to take care of yourself for the LONG TERM. You will get there soon enough!
.-= Devon´s last blog ..Oatmeal Explosion =-.
[Reply]
what is the best brand of motorcylcle tire anyway ?’.:
[Reply]
[...] January 21, 2010 – keeping it real (no, really.) In this post, I discussed the self esteem crushing attitudes that I (and other bloggers) take on when we try to equate the number of subscribers, commenters, and or page views that we have on our blogs. One of the primary elements of my personality that I wish I could change, is my need for constant feedback. While my readership has continued to grow… despite my shortcomings in the arena of regular daily (or even weekly blogging), this blog has never had large amounts of comments. For whatever the reason. In this post I scrapped the notion that my worth, or the worth of my thoughts and feelings are measured by my blog feedback… and it felt great. [...]
Point the Way…
If you would just route me in the right thoroughfare, it would be wonderful, thanks mucho….