(This post is a contribution to the society series, created by @lowfatkat of lowfatkatherine.com and @colorhungry of colorhungry.wordpress.com)
![[societyseries7.jpg]](http://lh5.ggpht.com/_5giag6SYnDc/S2kTP9t8kvI/AAAAAAAAAHM/oCtAeFNEW_s/s1600/societyseries7.jpg)
“Wow, Kels! You look great!”
“Aw, um, wow. Thanks, I guess, It’s nothing. I mean, thank you, but, well, you know.”
“No really! You look awesome, you can really tell you’re slimming down!”
“Well, thank you very much.”
Instantly, I am glowing inside! Beaming with excitement. My butt DOES look smaller in these jeans than it did last month! I could probably wear a smaller shirt size now, if I decided to go shopping! I feel good, whole, worthwhile!
Girls who are questing for fitness, or a smaller dress size, or their first bikini are fueled by these words. We crave the compliments, and secretly (or not so secretly) love the attention that supportive friends and family give us, in order to encourage us on our journey.
The active healthy living/exercise/food blogging community stands as proof that women are working and losing in healthy ways all over the globe. We’re speaking out, and sharing our experiences with the world in a very public way. We experience ups and downs in a cycle of, oh-gosh-I-can’t-post-this —> I posted it! —-> Wow, they’re all supportive and wonderful!—-> I feel affirmed… then we start all over again.
We work and sweat, toiling and burning, toning and learning, shedding pound after pound. In the beginning, most people fill the role we need them to. They comment and support, and fuel our journey.
Eventually, however, we all reach that place where either the weight comes off more slowly, or we’re happy with our weight and stop trying to lose. Inevitably, however, at some point, the overt praise STOPS.
Our society supports this notion of external praise and affirmation. We’re taught as little girls to primp and enjoy the applause at dance recitals, we run home with eager eyes and show off our report cards. We turn statements into questions, raising our inflection at the end of declarative sentences, to make them sound like questions incase the people around us don’t agree.
The desire to be accepted, noticed, and recognized is so deeply imbedded in me some, that at times, it threatens to strangle the joy out of every effort. I felt so pretty today, but no one even noticed. I guess I looked just like I always do…
It seems like society loves to commend people who are losing great amounts of weight (biggest loser, anyone?) but if you’ve just got 10 or 15 lbs to lose, or if you’re increasing muscle tone, or going from running 3 miles to 5 miles, you simply can’t expect for the public in general to throw laurels at your feet.
So, what happens when they stop noticing? When the pounds stop melting off in great numbers, and you’re just living in your healthy skin, people may not notice that extra half an inch in your waist band. If they can’t tell that your cankles aren’t as cankle-y, where does the praise and motivation come from? Obviously, it has to come from within. It is for that very reason that we, as healthy living advocates, must work twice as hard in order to not only conquer our healthy living milestones, but also simultaneously motivate/encourage ourselves to continue the work. If we can stop looking for outside approval and acceptance, and turn inward to realize own merit, think of what could be accomplished!
I am keeping three things in mind, to help me look inward for love and acceptance FIRST. I hope they will help you to love and appreciate yourself in all ways.
1. FIND it in others – Go out of your way to find the beauty, strength, efforts in others. Shower them with love and support. DOUSE them with praise and affirmation as often as you can. In my experience, that much love comes back to you, either in words, actions, good feelings, or self reflection. Finding those small, often unnoticed victories in other people helps us to see those same small glorious lights in our own lives. Essentially, practice makes perfect, and love breeds love.
2. FIND a routine – Every time I think about myself, think about my body, start/complete a workout, or look in the mirror, I try to say one of those things that would make me smile if a friend/coworker said it instead. The cheesier, the better, cause then I just end up laughing, and increasing my joy in two ways. Systematically works best, I’ve found. Either at the onset and completion of every workout, or each morning and night, scheduling it in my day, ensures that it isn’t left behind. Complimenting and encouraging myself is part of my daily routine.
3. FIND the hidden truth – Look for victories that no one else COULD celebrate. Triumphs that exist and are measured only in your own mind. No one else knows that it is the third day in a row you’ve not called yourself ugly, or the first time you’ve liked the way you look in your underwear. Those moments are yours, and only yours. Celebrate them, as you would any other joy, but keep it for your own. Special and personal, the praise you provide yourself for feats unspoken.
Do you have any tips for abandoning the need for societal acceptance? Leave ‘em in the comments. 
Thanks for reading. Love yourself.
Digg/kelsnotchels
Flickr/kelsnotchels
Twitter/kelsnotchels
YouTube/kelsnotchels
Last.fm/kelsnotchels
Wishlist/Kelsey's Amazon:
Daily Mile/kelsnotchels
Well…this subjst has been on my mind and heart for a while now…and I am coming to realize, albeit slowly, that although I need to rmind myself of the truth of who I really am..the only person that completely accepts me with no reserve is God. The ONLY time that I have been able to honestly not care about being accepted is when I am aware of God’s love and how He REALLY sees me. Maybe this sounds “out there” and I am not trying to be preachy in any way. People are fickle…what is accected one day, is taboo the next. Even those that love us and mean well for us, can’t meet that ever present need we have for love and acceptance ALL the time. We are more than the sum total of activities that make us slim…This is especially hard for me to accept as truth, since i haven’t been able to work out or exercise much and am feeling a bit unattractive, not to mention the pounds I’ve put on. BUT it is truth…As I grow in my relationship with God, I start to see more from His perspective, and that is what gives me the peace and comfort to be who I am, whether anyone praises or notices me. On top of that, when my perspective changes, I start to see others this way too and like you said, speak to the lovely things I see in them! Thanks for your post, Kelsey. I really enjoy your blog!
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
February 11th, 2010 at 10:50 pm
thank you so much for contributing, tammy.
[Reply]
Kels,
First of all, what a TERRIFIC post! It actually ties in nicely with my first society series post
It’s also timely because last night Kat and I were actually talking about the fact that when I lost all my weight, I was so caught up in seeking outward validation, that I forgot to look inside of myself. I was craving societal acceptance so badly that I just completed neglected to change my perspective about myself. So it was that losing weight changed virtually nothing inside of me, when I should have been feeling better about myself and working to appreciate my body and improve my confidence THAT way. Does that make sense (i’m not a morning person)? Instead I relied on people saying “You look great!” or men checking me out (this is the part I am most ashamed of)
I got sick and put some weight on due to steroid therapy, which I am now working to take off, so I keep reminding myself how important it is to work on all of that stuff this time around. The same self-loathing is there, even though I still have way less to lose this time around and i think that is very telling. I’m doing things for me, though. I’m learning to appreciate my body for what it can do instead of hating it for what it isn’t. I think it takes some serious self-reflection and self-awareness, but slowly, i’m doing it.
Wonderful post! Thank you so much for participating!
Colorhungry
Jenny ´s last blog ..Camera Happy Girls Night!
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
February 11th, 2010 at 10:51 pm
thank you, jenny! and thank you so much for co-creating this series… it really is so important.
[Reply]
[...] series post for a really interesting and thought-provoking topic. I also just read a really wonderful post by Kelsey, who was awesome enough to participate in the series. The point is to get conversations [...]
What a great post! I think that continuing to reward yourself and make time for yourself can be important. I think that being a part of a support system, such as a blog, can be great motivation to maintain changes for reasons other than physical appearance. Very nice ideas!
Nicole, RD´s last blog ..Food Reviews and Amy’s Coupon Giveaway!
[Reply]
Meg
Twitter: jonesypeck
Reply:
February 10th, 2010 at 11:02 am
Great post Kels! Another thing I think about as a mom is how to instill this into my daughter- while I love to give her praise for her accomplishments or just because she’s pretty, I have to find ways to see it for herself without all my praise. I have to praise the effort and not the outcome, or ask her how SHE thinks she did at something.
Meg´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Mardi Gras Style
[Reply]
Twitter: savvyeat
says:
Just thought I’d let you know that this post is beautifully written, and so honest. Love it!
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
February 11th, 2010 at 10:52 pm
thank you, sweet julie.
[Reply]
Great post. I think you summed that cycle up pretty nicely.
You are so right, it really has to come from within.
Angie´s last blog ..Surf City Half Marathon
[Reply]
Twitter: thenheathersaid
says:
this is in the running for best post of the year. yes, im serious. SO GOOD.
and of course, the way we work, its perfect for me during this season of my life to focus on these things you mention; FINDING all three.
ive been wondering if should blog about this or not, hemming and hawwing as i always do – but the compliments ive been receiving about the changes in my body are so embowering – i wonder what i will do when they stop- but now i realize how to face that time; i always knew i could count on you during this journey
i adore you dear. you are one of my “healthy weight loss role models” and you ALWAYS will be. even after you maintain for 23483294023 years. (cause, you know, you are going to live that long
)
Heather´s last blog ..233 Plan
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
February 11th, 2010 at 10:53 pm
ha, I don’t know about that… pretty much all of your posts are TENS.
xoxo
[Reply]
I know that I love to help others feel good about themselves and try to remember this on a daily basis. I love throwing out compliments and they are true and genuine. Something as little as, “I love those glasses on you.” or “That’s a great color on you!”. This in return, makes me feel better, and happy, to see others smile.
Teacherwoman´s last blog ..Three Things Thursday
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
February 11th, 2010 at 10:53 pm
absolutely… complimenting people is a surefire way to make me have a happier day.
[Reply]
Twitter: faelfe
says:
I think searching more deeply inside yourself for the less visual reasons you are losing weight can help you get by without the external motivators.
I lose weight for many reasons, but one of the biggest is so that when the day finally comes that I find someone I want to have a child with and we have that baby, it will be a healthy child with a healthy mother and role model. What better motivator could there be than seeing my own child and knowing that he/she is healthier because I had a healthy pregnancy, that he/she will be happier because weight will not be a problem and exercise will be a regular, natural part of life?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that while the compliments about my appearance are awesome, ultimately I’m losing weight for soooooo many more reasons than to have people say, “Wow, your butt looks great in those jeans!” And I think most people probably feel the same way when they really drill down to the source.
Fallon´s last blog ..Baking Blog Saturday: Butter-Free Whole Wheat Oatmeal Muffins
[Reply]
kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 2:43 pm
balls! Its been a crazy week, and I’m just getting a chance to reply… forgive me.
That is a really good point… We don’t have children in our plans, so I don’t have that desire to be healthy as a mom, but I do think that the motivation to be healthy should be more than about external.
I know that I want to be strong, and have a healthy heart… that is one other reason I want to be healthy.
Thanks for commenting! I’m adding you on twitter/google reader.
cheers.
[Reply]
I met a friend once who was the most positive I have ever met, and she really looks for beauty in everything. And then at one point, I really got it, that beauty is always right there to see, but if we look for it and keep our radars strong for it, we will see it, yes we will. Glad you are trying to do the same.
Kelly´s last blog ..How to Make a Photography Portfolio
[Reply]
[...] [...]
Twitter: tweetsofamanda
says:
Hey!
Just found your blog via lowfatkat & thenheathersaid. It’s great, and I look forward to reading more!
This post especially was very touching. I just started my blog last week on a quest to gain support from the blogging community for my healthy living and weight loss goals, so I guess in a way I am still craving that motivation and acceptance and chose to seek it here.
anyway,
have a good one and hello from a new reader!
x
Amanda´s last blog ..Week One Official Weigh In : A Loss!
[Reply]
kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 2:44 pm
thank you so much for stopping by to say hi!
We’re nothing if not supportive of eachother, so as more people find your blog, (like me!) the relationships will surely grow.
Thanks again for reading, and taking the time to comment! I look forward to “meeting” you at your blog too!
[Reply]
Wow. I love reading a good post. This, my friend, is an EXCELLENT post. One that I simply said, “Yes!” out loud to on several points. You hit it SO RIGHT with the inner satisfaction only we know when we amp our miles, dance in our underpants because we’re lookin’ good, or refuse to have dessert or one more drink because we work too hard. The blogging community has changed my life – and many others as well – simply because we can connect on so many levels that are hard to find otherwise. And when you press “publish”- scary as it may seem – I can guarantee there is someone out there who will be so grateful you did. In this case, it was ME
Caitlin@TheTwentyFifthYear´s last blog ..In Time
[Reply]
[...] For me, the health and fitness journey is MORE THAN what I eat, and more than how I move my body. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve learned how to do that properly. We know. It is MORE THAN comments and commenting, @ replies and namedrops in our peer’s pages. It is MORE THAN the attention we get, and more than the affirmation we crave. [...]