Several weeks ago now, I attended a yoga class at Denton Yoga Center, and our guru, Becky was teaching us and talking with us about a topic that really resonated with me. This is something that I imagine lots of you have experienced, and I am currently being faced with on a nearly daily basis as a part of the musical I’m working on.
Let me back up a bit and talk about where I was coming from on the day that I went to class, and heard becky speak to us.
When I auditioned for this show, I just hoped to be a part of the chorus. That’s it… That would have been enough. I would have been honored and proud. As it turned out, I was chosen for a much larger role than I could have EVER expected.
You’d think I would have been overjoyed, but I wasn’t (at the time)… All that kept replaying in my head were things like:
You haven’t done a show before.
They clearly don’t know how weak your voice is.
You don’t deserve a role of this size right out of the gate.
The other cast members will never accept you.
The other people you work with are better than you.
Dozens of people could have done a better job with this role than you will.
You were only cast because of a technicality… not based on your own merits or talents.
So, to review… I was surprised, and scared, and full of self doubt.
I wanted to be proud! I wanted to celebrate… but as I got into the script and went to rehearsals, I found myself leaving at night comparing my performance to EVERYONE else’s and generally remembering only the measure in which I missed a rhythm, or the one step I forgot the first two times we danced it.
Out of several rehearsals… I only left 1 or 2 feeling good about myself. The rest, I just left feeling like a crock. I felt like I’d snuck into this club, and I was only moments from being kicked out.
OR WORSE.
Just being left to SUCK on stage, no one telling me how to make it better, disappointing my cast/crew mates, and being blacklisted from community theatre for ever. (A fate worse than death, I know.)
Several weeks ago, I went on a business trip to Austin, and my travel mates and I were hanging in the hotel room one night, and these girls both told me that they were surprised at how self-deprecating I was.
What?
Self-deprecating?
But I love myself.
Right?
I post operation beautiful notes.
Right?
I tell all of my friends how amazing they are DAILY.
Right?
I like myself, and think I’m a good person.
Right?
But the truth was out.
I am cruel to myself on the inside. Really. I have a really crazy way of managing to seem collected (sometimes), chipper (most of the time), and positive/upbeat (nearly all of the time), but in truth, I am exceptionally hard on myself.
I NEVER give myself a break. I never take it easy on myself, and I am critical of myself in almost EVERY facet of my life. While this musical theatre story gets the point accross, it is certainly not the only way that I am mean to myself in my life.
I criticize my worth as a singer, a teacher, a friend, a WIFE, and it isn’t even about words.
It’s just, setting that bar, unreasonably high… or being derailed by slight setbacks. But mostly its that ache for perfection. I want to be spot on, in what I do. And if I miss even by a little… I just feel crushed by sadness and disappointment. I don’t know WHERE or WHEN these feelings started, or WHY this self inflicted pressure is applied… but it is.
So… back to the yoga class…
Becky is a phenomenal teacher, and mentor. I learn from her during every session, and she is one of my favorite people on this planet.
She was talking about spring, and about all of the varied and beautiful shades of green that began to flood our landscapes.
She began to speak of flowers, and the amazing way in which they exist.
Flowers just bloom.
They don’t compare themselves to other blossoms.
They don’t want for more or less petals.
They don’t wish they were another color.
They don’t feel insecure if they open more quickly or slowly than another.
They don’t feel guilty if they’re more symmetrical or tall than another bud.
Flowers just bloom.
They open, and blossom. They REACH for the sun! They spread their petals, and root into the earth, and they strive only to be the most full, complete, and beautiful flower that they can be.
I just want to blossom. I just want to bloom, and feel beautiful in my own patch of earth.
I don’t want to worry about what the other flowers are wearing, or what size they are, or how high they can sing without straining, or how fit they are, or how thoughtful they are.
So, I’m working on it. Just trying to bloom…
I hope this insight is as impactful for you, as it was for me.
And I hope those of you who feel this way too (I know you’re out there) will join with me… let’s not be so hard on ourselves.
Let’s just bloom.
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This is absolutely beautiful! I have been dealing with the same sort of issues… there is this vision in my head of what I think I should be, and its causing SO much internal stress because I’m just not that person.
And those pictures are fabulous.
Abri´s last blog ..Organize
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Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
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May 5th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
Seems like so many of us are dealing with these issues… I hope we can really dig in and work on it… and make it better.
<3
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Twitter: thenheathersaid
says:
Kelsey – I LOVE THIS. i love when you open your heart to us. You are so genuine and real, and not afraid to be admit that you, just like the rest of us, knows what it is like to be broken.
So much of what you said was so relatable.
Do you remember when I was going to the gym six days a week and struggling with it, because I would stay for 3 hours and leave feeling like I didn’t do enough? Because I didn’t sweat enough, run far enough, accomplish a certain amount of positions in claass, or lift enough. Because I had to cut my reps from 10 to 8 in the last set, or because I “could have” gone an extra quarter of a mile. I could have done more. in the 2 months of my obsessive gym time, I only left feeling accomplished and proud a couple of times.
When you were explaining your leaving practice those feelings hit me again- I REMEMBER THAT. I know i do the same thing in other areas too – how often, at work, do I mess up ONE number on a spreadsheet and beat myself up over it for HOURS, when really I’ve done a MILLION things right throughout the day, and some of them have made an extra difference.
Everytime you tell me about Becky, or mention something she’s said makes me want to start a yoga practice with her. (if only denton werent so far of a commute.) Next time Im in town will you take me to a class if the schedules line up correctly?
i just reread it AGAIN (this is my third time because your writing and understanding and disecting of the situations discussed are THAT GOOD) and I must say I especially this line:
They don’t feel guilty if they’re more symmetrical or tall than another bud.
That is such a great point that when discuss self-assurance/worth/doubt/esteem we often neglect. The feeling guilty for being or seeming who we are. AHHHHHHHHH.
i think everyone can relate to this post in one way or another. THANK YOU FOR SHARING, my dear. xoxoxox
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
May 5th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Do you know how I love you!? How much your comments make my day!?
I would love for you to come to a class with Becky. Trinity, Nicci, and I all pretty much think she hung the moon.
will you be coming through sometime this summer perhaps? xoxo
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[...] Anyway, you should check out Daniel’s blog, Trying to Find the Good as well as Kelsey’s post Flowers Just Bloom. [...]
Twitter: realfitmama
says:
You have no idea how many times I have repeated the phrase “flowers just reach for the sun and blossom” to myself over the past few months!!?? WOW! I have never ever thought that I could possibly be the one and only person in the world that is happy/joyous/carefree on the outside and hateful/hurtful/mean to myself on the inside, but most people never admit it. THANK YOU for being so honest!!
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Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
May 5th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
<3
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Twitter: mrschelles
says:
Wow! That was AMAZING! I was sitting at my desk today just thinking about what I am doing, if I’m following the right path, just wondering if I’m in the right spot. Just when I feel confident in the position and path God has put me in, there is this thought that creeps in : Am I really doing what I was made to do? Instead of taking time to enjoy the moment, I’m wondering what’s next? Am I really doing this? So thank you for putting this so beautifully into words.
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Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
May 5th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
thanks michelle!!
I’m glad it meant something in your world. 
xo
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What a wonderful post! I so needed to read this! Thank you!
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Beautiful. Just beautiful. And so what I needed to read. I’m right there with you. Thanks so much for sharing.
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Awesome post Kelsey! And great metaphor
Is it helping you enjoy the rehearsals more now? I also find that checking with others can be helpful, your cast members probably feel pretty similar to you!
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
May 5th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
you’re so right, Ruby! my cast mates have been really supportive, and encouraging… Everyone has periods of being down on ourselves… so, it’s been nice to not feel alone in it.
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Such a heartfelt post. Love it! It is often difficult to see and change how we treat our selves. We all do need to “just bloom”!
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Twitter: GeekTurnAthlete
says:
So true, so true! You got this role because you are talented. I think we all need to give ourselves more credit than we think! Great post!
Nicole @ Geek Turned Athlete´s last blog ..Baumholder Hills
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I’m a terrible self-depricator, at my worst when I seem my best. I need to read this entry every day. It’s just perfect. Thank you, Kelsey!
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Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
May 5th, 2010 at 2:11 pm
I think I’d benefit from re-reading it daily too… man we can be so mean to ourselves!! But I love your pink-haired self so drop that in your penny jar!!
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Thank you for this. I realized awhile back that I am VERY hard on myself and do not give myself enough credit for my accomplishments or skills. I know I need to quit, but I’ve never really tried. I’m going to start working on it now though because, damn it, I just want to bloom too!
chandra´s last blog ..The race I almost quit
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Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
May 5th, 2010 at 2:10 pm
YES! bloom, baby, bloom!!
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I had the same problem my senior year of high school. I’d done backstage/tech work for three years. My senior year I finally decided to take the plunge and audition for the musical. I assumed I’d be in the chorus. But I ended up getting the part of Miss Lynch (it was Grease). That entire weekend all I kept thinking was “Why did I get a speaking role? I don’t have any experience on stage. How am I going to memorize lines? What if I get stage fright?”
It took a few days for me to realize that the director had a lot more experience in casting roles than I did and he’d obviously seen something in me. I told myself I needed to trust his judgement, not the annoying little “self-deprecating” voice in my head.
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Love love love this post. I feel the same way so often. I’m sure you will be absolutely fabulous in the show. When is it? I will be done with school May 15th and if I’m in town, I think Ben and I should totally come!
[Reply]
Kelsey
Twitter: kelsnotchels
Reply:
May 5th, 2010 at 2:09 pm
NattyB!! It’s so frustrating to get down on yourself, especially when you “know better” isn’t it??
The show is the 2nd and 3rd weekends in May!! Runs through the 23rd! Thanks for commenting, and I would love it if you two would come!
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Twitter: kelsnotchels
says:
*hugs*
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Twitter: kelsnotchels
says:
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