Kelsey Toney

(This post is a contribution to the society series, created by @lowfatkat of lowfatkatherine.com and @colorhungry of colorhungry.wordpress.com)

“Wow, Kels! You look great!”

“Aw, um, wow. Thanks, I guess, It’s nothing. I mean, thank you, but, well, you know.”

“No really! You look awesome, you can really tell you’re slimming down!”

“Well, thank you very much.”

Instantly, I am glowing inside! Beaming with excitement. My butt DOES look smaller in these jeans than it did last month! I could probably wear a smaller shirt size now, if I decided to go shopping! I feel good, whole, worthwhile!

Girls who are questing for fitness, or a smaller dress size, or their first bikini are fueled by these words. We crave the compliments, and secretly (or not so secretly) love the attention that supportive friends and family give us, in order to encourage us on our journey.

The active healthy living/exercise/food blogging community stands as proof that women are working and losing in healthy ways all over the globe. We’re speaking out, and sharing our experiences with the world in a very public way. We experience ups and downs in a cycle of, oh-gosh-I-can’t-post-this —> I posted it! —-> Wow, they’re all supportive and wonderful!—-> I feel affirmed… then we start all over again.

We work and sweat, toiling and burning, toning and learning, shedding pound after pound. In the beginning, most people fill the role we need them to. They comment and support, and fuel our journey.

Eventually, however, we all reach that place where either the weight comes off more slowly, or we’re happy with our weight and stop trying to lose. Inevitably, however, at some point, the overt praise STOPS.

Our society supports this notion of external praise and affirmation. We’re taught as little girls to primp and enjoy the applause at dance recitals, we run home with eager eyes and show off our report cards. We turn statements into questions, raising our inflection at the end of declarative sentences, to make them sound like questions incase the people around us don’t agree.

The desire to be accepted, noticed, and recognized is so deeply imbedded in me some, that at times, it threatens to strangle the joy out of every effort. I felt so pretty today, but no one even noticed. I guess I looked just like I always do…

It seems like society loves to commend people who are losing great amounts of weight (biggest loser, anyone?) but if you’ve just got 10 or 15 lbs to lose, or if you’re increasing muscle tone, or going from running 3 miles to 5 miles, you simply can’t expect for the public in general to throw laurels at your feet.

So, what happens when they stop noticing? When the pounds stop melting off in great numbers, and you’re just living in your healthy skin, people may not notice that extra half an inch in your waist band. If they can’t tell that your cankles aren’t as cankle-y, where does the praise and motivation come from? Obviously, it has to come from within. It is for that very reason that we, as healthy living advocates, must work twice as hard in order to not only conquer our healthy living milestones, but also simultaneously motivate/encourage ourselves to continue the work. If we can stop looking for outside approval and acceptance, and turn inward to realize own merit, think of what could be accomplished!

I am keeping three things in mind, to help me look inward for love and acceptance FIRST. I hope they will help you to love and appreciate yourself in all ways.

1. FIND it in others – Go out of your way to find the beauty, strength, efforts in others. Shower them with love and support. DOUSE them with praise and affirmation as often as you can. In my experience, that much love comes back to you, either in words, actions, good feelings, or self reflection. Finding those small, often unnoticed victories in other people helps us to see those same small glorious lights in our own lives. Essentially, practice makes perfect, and love breeds love.

2. FIND a routine – Every time I think about myself, think about my body, start/complete a workout, or look in the mirror, I try to say one of those things that would make me smile if a friend/coworker said it instead. The cheesier, the better, cause then I just end up laughing, and increasing my joy in two ways. Systematically works best, I’ve found. Either at the onset and completion of every workout, or each morning and night, scheduling it in my day, ensures that it isn’t left behind. Complimenting and encouraging myself is part of my daily routine.

3. FIND the hidden truth – Look for victories that no one else COULD celebrate. Triumphs that exist and are measured only in your own mind. No one else knows that it is the third day in a row you’ve not called yourself ugly, or the first time you’ve liked the way you look in your underwear. Those moments are yours, and only yours. Celebrate them, as you would any other joy, but keep it for your own. Special and personal, the praise you provide yourself for feats unspoken.

Do you have any tips for abandoning the need for societal acceptance? Leave ‘em in the comments.

Thanks for reading. Love yourself.