I’ve definitely had a reduction in my depressive symptoms, and I’ve felt more like  myself. I’ve still had some hot flashes, especially at night, but I can say that I definitely feel different… in that I’m feeling more like myself.

I’ve felt more optimistic.

I’ve noticed more color in the sunrise.

I’ve enjoyed working out (walking and running!!!) with one of my best friends a few days this week.

I didn’t melt into a puddle of sadness when my Lola‘s Christmas package arrived and it made me realize how much I missed her.

I’ve laughed during rehearsals.

I’ve read the most incredible book in, practically, EVER*.

It’s been a really decent week. I’m so grateful for that.

I think this is the week I’ll bring back Life Well Lived… If you are [still?] interested in being featured, don’t hesitate to email me.

* Harry Potter is, and will always be my one true literary love. However, my slutty mistress is definitely The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. It was one of the most gorgeous, tragic, uplifting, thought provoking, heart growing books that has ever been penned… I’m sure of that. I may write a proper review, with more specific thoughts about the book, but I might not… I’m not sure yet. It’s almost too perfect to even try and gather my thoughts in one place.

© Kelsey for Kelsey Toney, 2012. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: books, endometriosis, jess, lifewelllived, lola, lupron, LWL, menopause, reading, recovery, TFIOS, the fault in our stars

Does anyone know that Tegan and Sara song? I love them. Way more than I probably have any reason to.

ANYWAY,

I’ve had about a million hot flashes in the past week.

It’s so freaking uncomfortable. Guhhhhhhhhh.

But more than the hot flashes, the past week has held some new challenges.

My mind has seemed like it’s not my own, not really. I’ve found myself so scatterbrained, so forgetful, so ditzy and forgetful… did I say forgetful already? I can’t remember. I’ve been so forgetful.

But more than that, I’ve been fighting this growing wave deep inside my heart. It feels like I’m using my bare hands to hold back a tsunami… But I CAN’T bring myself to let it crash. Because my conscious mind knows that there really isn’t anything wrong.

I’ve gritted my teeth and forced the stinging behind my eyes to retreat, for no other reason than I know I haven’t any reason to cry.

I’m not sad. Nothing sad is happening. I’m not lonely or disapointed. I know that the urge to cry, the feeling of sadness is being caused by the disruption to my body’s natural chemistry.

I’m beginning to long for the day when my hormones will be my own again. It is my hope that my decision to not get a second injection means that the remainder of this monthly dose will run its course and be out of my system in a few weeks.

But apparently, with Lupron, there’s no telling.

I’ve definitely managed to maintain as much of a positive attitude in the past week as is possible. That being said, I haven’t done a dedicated “this is me moving my body to increase my fitness” thing. I mean, I’ve been up, walked a lot at work, and walked some this weekend while shopping… (like when I got to my car after walking while shopping for over an hour, by leg muscles were actually twitching-whoa.) So, I guess that’s as much evidence as I could possibly need to convince me that truly, honestly, sincerely, I’ve been completely laid up for a good long while… Since before thanksgiving.

So, I plan to continue to increase my weekly walking, and before too long hopefully up the ante. For those wondering there’s no reason I couldn’t jog right now, except that it hurts the incision sites still. I have pretty intense pain at the main incision site if it gets moved too much. I’ve jogged in place a couple times, and its really painful.

Anyway, I’m still here, one step at a time, and I know that I just need to get through this period with as much patience and kindness as I can manage for myself.

© Kelsey for Kelsey Toney, 2012. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: endometriosis, health, lupron, menopause, recovery

I’m someone who has more than a few “hippy” tendencies and ideals. I try to live an environmentally friendly life. I prefer to use sustainable resources, and I like to minimize any impact on my body that is chemical or artificial.

The idea of entering a medically induced state of menopause, maybe 20 years early made me leery from the start. Aside from any of the potential side effects of the drug (and there are MANY), just the idea of forcing my body to do something that isn’t natural caused me a great deal of stress.

When the doctor discussed the drug with me, I was instantly anxious. It didn’t feel right to me.

Arguments that, “all medications are unnatural” or “every action you take every day has risks” didn’t offer me any comfort.

To complicate things further, I experience this horrible disease over and over, and what if this drug would allow my body to actually have reprieve?

I looked into this drug, and searched and searched to try and find out how other people’s experiences with this drug have gone; and over, and over, and over again… all I found were these horrible experiences.

And I’m not talking about the menopausal symptoms. Honestly, in this first month, none of the menopausal symptoms I’ve experienced have been deal breakers. Don’t get me wrong. Hot flashes suck. And feeling fuzzy headed isn’t the most appealing way to go through the day, but I could deal.

However, as the date for my second injection draws nearer, I continued to try and find people who had success with this drug…

Instead, all I found were people, hundreds and thousands of testimonies online of how this drug (or at least they believe it was caused by this drug) side effects like severe depression, and a complete alteration of personality traits, all manner of diseases and complications like blood disorders, weight gain, and cancer just to name a few.

There are warning groups about this drug.

I’ve had strangers contact me and say, “STAY AWAY FROM THIS DRUG. IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE. WHEN YOU’RE DONE, YOU’LL WISH YOU STILL JUST HAD ENDO”

Sheesh.

It was scary.

But what if those problems only occur in 3% of users??

What if those people didn’t do something right, or there was some other kind of reason.

But the more I asked, and I did present these concerns to my doctor (who I do trust, by the way) the more I realized that they just don’t have answers for my questions.

The long term effects of  the use of this drug for endometriosis just haven’t been studied. Or if it has, I certainly can’t get my hands on the data.

And on top of all that, I still have this nagging, gnawing feeling that it’s just the opposite of “ME” to put my body into menopause against it’s natural clock.

I heard rebuttals of, “Well, going on birth control to modify hormones and control periods isn’t normal either.”

You’re right. Which is part of why I’ve adamantly refused to take hormonal BC for years. I’m just not down with it. For exactly the same reasons.

I’m so horrible at making decisions. HORRIBLE. I can vacillate for WEEKS on an issue.

I’d been back and forth a hundred times since before I even had surgery, and just couldn’t decide if I wanted to do the Lupron therapy. Doc asked me to just give it a try for a month. And I agreed.

But the thing is, this first few weeks of the treatment haven’t been that bad. There haven’t been any horrible, unbearable side effects… But that STILL doesn’t mean that it’s a drug that I’m comfortable taking.

And I guess, I’ve decided that I’m not.

Not comfortable taking it after all.

I guess I reached the critical turning point when I realized that during my winter break, I had two weeks to be social and hanging out with all of the people I don’t get to see much when school is in session. I usually spend my break having lunch dates and coffees, and catching up with people. Being social. Being out. Being in town.

Being Me.

On the last day of break, I realized that I’d spent the ENTIRE break on the couch.

I’d ignored invitations from friends for coffee. I’d ignored lunch dates.

I’d been a reclusive, melancholy, tired, probably at least moderately depressed, lazy lump of a girl for two weeks.

Nothing made me want to get up or outside, and nothing made me really smile or laugh, or be excited. (Save my sweet hilarious husband, who can always make me grin.)

I think THAT was the thing that I couldn’t accept.

I’ll take the hot flashes.

I’ll take the risk of other complications.

But to take away my optimism. To take away my gregariousness… that’s something I just can’t accept.

It’s who I am.

It is the CRUX of my personality.

Having this drug in my system for a few weeks took a bit of the liveliness from my heart, and combine that with the gut feeling of hesitation… I just had to decide not to continue the therapy.

Is this risky? Am I going to make my disease worse?

Well, here’s the thing.

With estrogen in my system, the endometrial cells (or adnomeiosis cells within the uterine walls themselves-which are not removable via surgery) will continue to be fueled.

But it is my hope that the cells which my doctor WAS able to remove will lessen the pain I experience month-to-month. At least for a while.

And it is my hope that instead of altering the fundamental hormone of womanhood for 30 days a month, 365 days a year, I can use pain medication, and pain management techniques to manage the intense pain 3-5 days out of the month instead.

I may need to have another surgery at some point in the future, or I may have to go back on this therapy in the future, and I know that is possible.

But here, and now, I know that it isn’t the path I’m choosing to take. I just know it.

And I’m choosing to trust my gut on this one.

So, there probably won’t be too many reports on menopause after another month or so… but I will certainly be writing about my continual experience with this disease…

Anyone who’s actually read all of this, well, I don’t even know what to say. Just “thanks” I guess.  

<3

© Kelsey for Kelsey Toney, 2012. | Permalink | 14 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: endometriosis, health, lupron, menopause, recovery

When I think back on the year, I have an overwhelmingly positive feeling. That doesn’t mean that nothing bad happened, obviously… but on the whole, it was a good one…

I started my year off with the New Years Day intention setting session at my favorite yoga studio, and went to classes for 6 straight weeks. It was an incredible start to the year…

I got to perform and sing in front of hundreds of fellow actors/singers in the opening of a Dallas/Fort Worth theatre awards ceremony. It was SO fun.

Daron and I went on a snowy adventure when we had some SERIOUS snow days!!

I started the “life well lived” movement… wherein I started logging all of the incredible things in life that I’ve already done! Things that are INCREDIBLE, and that should never be taken for granted…

I studied at a song performance workshop for 6 weeks with an INCREDIBLE teacher, and learned so much that I use everytime I audition or perform.

I saw the musical “Rock of Ages” not once, but twice… and in two different STATES! It has surprised me by becoming one of my FAVORITE shows. SERIOUSLY.

Hanging on the lawn before Rock of Ages

I was cast as Maureen – a DREAM role if there ever was one in RENT – My favorite musical of all time. And I got to perform with people I now consider family…

I got to spend some time with Heather on memorial day weekend, and created an incredible hop scotch arena.

Daron and I finally got our patio cover installed and now have an incredible outdoor space that we love SO Much!!

I found grey hairs 1-8… which I’m okay with.

I celebrated 6 years of marriage with my darling hubby!!

I got to perform at a preview for the upcoming season of a local theatre company, and stretched my under developed comedy muscles…

I got early access to pottermore, which made me feel like a nerdy, nerdy gangsta.

I got a macbook pro and an ipad 2, turning myself into a pretty legit mac fangirl.

I performed at a cabaret for my friend, the author of Little Girl Blue, the Karen Carpenter biography.

I started another incredible school year at my work, the best middle school EVER.

I survived my first real surgery.

I started a band with my hubby, and we released our first EP…

I’m feeling pretty lucky right about now…
I’m alive, and I’m loved… and I love so many people.

It’s a wonderful life, y’all.

© Kelsey for Kelsey Toney, 2012. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: life, newyears

I experienced crippling, life-interferring, fainting at the mall, up all night sobbing, want to DIE pain for approximately the last 168 months of my life. Some months were better than others. Some months were almost more than I could bear. It was unrelenting.

I can’t put into words how horrible and disheartening it’s felt to be told by doctors that “everyone is uncomfortable during periods” or to have peers look at me with disbelief and a “suck it up” look on their face.

A few months ago, around 2:30 in the morning, when I stumbled upon the truth about endometriosis, the symptoms, and the likelihood that this disease- undiagnosed by any of the several providers I’d seen since puberty began- was the source of my continual pain and problems, I wept.

I cried for hours.

I cried while reading the symptoms. I cried while reading the statistics. I cried when I started reading the stories of women like me who had suffered with out help, without a diagnosis for YEARS, and sometimes DECADES before the right doctor told them about this disease and helped them take the next steps. That night I read a statistic somewhere that said that, on average, women with endometriosis suffer for 12 years before getting treatment.

I was over that average.

That night, I became determined to find a doctor who cared about this disease. Because, unfortunately, the big business is birthing babies, not pelvic pain… frankly, most doctors just don’t keep up with their endo studies. And that’s a shame.

…

Who wants to talk about hot flashes?!

The pain of endo is caused because these cells, which grow all over places they don’t belong (including on intestines, fallopian tubes, ovaries, appendices, just to name a few) are highly responsive to hormones. In the presences of the hormones by body produces naturally, these cells react (usually during a woman’s cycle) and become painful.

While excising the cells, and removing what can be seen through laparoscopic surgery is a way to remove some of the problem, it doesn’t SOLVE the WHOLE problem.

Much like when cancer cells are removed, and chemo/radiation treatment is used to ensure that any cells that are left behind are extinguished, cutting edge endometriosis treatment has another step too.

By taking the drug, Lupron, my hormones are stopped, which will hopefully cause any remaining endometriosis to keel over and die… or at least shrink…

But, for those of you keeping score, if my hormones are taken out of the picture, that means that I’m entering a medicinally induced state of menopause.

Of course, the perks of that could include an absence of the excruciating, and chronic pain that has plagued me for the last 14 years.  The downside is… FREAKING MENOPAUSE! Hot flashes, mood swings, bone loss… oh my.

I find it pretty hilarious that yesterday, I blogged about all of this nonsense, and that very night, I had my first hot flash.

Ohmygod. It felt like I was a pot of water and someone had turned the burner to high. It crept up before I even realized it, and all I could do was RIP my sweater off as fast as I could and grab my sweet Spanish fan.

Honestly, I laughed. I laughed a lot… because it’s funny, I guess. Being suddenly slammed with this radiating heat!? Out of nowhere, wanting to hurl the cats to the opposite side of the room like little furry footballs, because their cuddling just contributed to your sudden skin melting temperature change…

Hahahaaaa. Anyway,

I hope this post wasn’t too alienating. Anyone stick with me through this one?  I hope so.

© Kelsey for Kelsey Toney, 2011. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: endometriosis, health, lupron, menopause, recovery

Several years ago, I decided to get healthy…

I lost just under 40 lbs, and have kept it off.

I celebrated each year, on my “Fitaversary” and relished in the pride of keeping up with my healthfulness for another year.

A couple of years ago, in November, I got plantar fasciitis which ended my dedicated running endeavors (not because I can’t ever run again, but because it derailed my streak… what can I say?)… I did a few musicals after that, and as my weight stayed down, I stopped being terribly interested in regular workouts. Not that I don’t understand that they’re important, but I just lost focus, I guess… It became really easy to just feel like, “well, my weight’s the same, so why bother getting sweaty”.

This November, I didn’t celebrate a fitaversary… and I wanted to tell you why.

A couple of months ago, I encountered and faced a new opponent that changed my health game yet again.

After 14 years of constant problems during my monthly cycle, I finally found a doctor who identified by previously un-named problem.

Endometriosis.

At LEAST 6 million women in the United States have this disease (The Endometriosis Association -www.killercramps.org).

You may have heard of endometriosis, but you likely have a very foggy understanding of what this condition actually is.

Thousands more are yet undiagnosed, and untreated, (as I was) because many doctors simply are under-educated about this mysterious and complicated disease.

A simple way of describing endometriosis is to say that uterine cells, growing outside of the uterus cause incredible, chronic pain which often accompanies a woman’s period. Symptoms include intense pain during menstruation, back pain, fatigue, GI issues, and in my case, regular monthly fainting spells.

When I finally found my doctor, and found that he was a specialist who not only completely understood how intensely endo had been interfering with my life, but also had a plan for treatment, I was elated.

This fall, I decided to undergo a laparoscopic surgery, which would allow my doctor to excise endometrial cells from wherever they’d been growing in my abdomen.

Anyway, the procedure went well, and I’m recovering nicely. I have three little scars on my abdomen, but I’m sure they’ll fade over time.

I was tended to by my unbelievable selfless husband. Honestly, I can’t put into words how it felt to be so vulnerable to someone, and to trust so completely that they’ve got your back 100%. I have to say that the connection to my hubby was probably the biggest surprise blessing of the whole thing.

The second phase of treatment involves inhibiting my body’s ability to produce the hormones that cause endometrial cells to grow.

This part of the process is a little bit scary, as the medicine carries with it some potentially troubling side effects.

I haven’t decided exactly how candid I want to be about this phase of treatment, because… I don’t know. It’s scary to share personal information. You never know how people will react, what people will say, who will make judgements about your life. And this part of treatment is… complicated. So, I think I’m going to leave it at that for now.

The point is that during this part of treatment, I’m going to have to fight for my health.

If I don’t want to devolve into a pudgy, out of breath, busted up version of who I’ve become, I’m going to have to really work hard…

Because it is SO EASY TO BE LAZY.

So, I hope that this year I’ll regain some of my FITNESS…

I don’t give a crap about my weight. Weight is a ridiculous number, and in my case, it’s virtually a constant. I just want to feel fit again, and feel strong again.

I’m going to be combatting, not only laziness, but changes to my mood and disposition, and the last thing I need is to get all flabby AND depressed.

I’ve had a hard time deciding how to keep blogging.

Truth be told, I love blogging, but it’s hard when what you want to share is really personal. Because you don’t know who’s reading, who’s on your side, and who’s going to give a crap and care about going through your journey with you.

But, I can’t deny that when I’m blogging, I’m distinctly more accountable… and distinctly more likely to keep up with my commitments.

So, I’m going to try. REALLY HARD.

And I hope you’ll be interested in keeping up with my progress.

(Special squishy hugs to my girls, Devon – from “Confections of a Food Bitch” and Jessica from “Let’s Get Fit” who are two of my oldest blogging buddies. They’ve both posted this week after long absences, and they both inspired me to dust off the old keyboard, put on my big girl panties and share what I’m going through even though I’ve been silent. So, thanks to both of you for the inspiration… yet again. )

© Kelsey for Kelsey Toney, 2011. | Permalink | 14 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: endometriosis, fitaversary, health, lupron, recovery

I know. You kinda want to kick me in the teeth right now. But I can’t help being excited. I’ve had a busy, crazy, intense year at work, and I’m so grateful for this part of being a teacher!

The next 10 weeks or so should be filled with enjoying our new patio, tending the garden, reading, rehearsing (and performing), and a lot of relaxing and rejuvenation.

I was thinking about when I was a kid during summer vacations. For a few of the most pivotal years in my teens, my mom decided to intervene upon my extreme inclination towards laziness. She insisted that I get my dead ass out of bed, and do something. I had a schedule that I followed most days. It contained things like… breakfast by 9, walk to library at 10:30 (at least a few days a week), 1-2 hours of TV max, and having all chores done by 2pm.

I didn’t like it at the time. But she knows me so well. And she knows that, not only do schedules give me structure, but I, in fact, THRIVE with structure.

I’m a pretty sedentary person, if I just went with what my natural instinct is. I love being cuddled up. I love watching movies. I love playing video games. I love being on my computer. I love reading. I could sleep until noon or 1, and wake up, and go through the day without getting off the couch.

That is the person I may be by my nature, but it is not the person I want to be by CHOICE.

So, I think this year, I’m going to design a schedule for myself. Something to get me out of bed, get my work outs in, and keep up with all of the things I want to do around the house. A schedule will keep me from WASTING my summer, but will also ensure that I keep a couple hours a day for reading, or blogging, or whatever.

I’m very excited for all that this summer holds.

Do I have any fellow teachers out there? Any great summer plans?

© Kelsey for Kelsey Toney, 2011. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: school, summer

I’ve got a very, very, VERY high stress job at times. I work with adolescents who have some type of emotional or behavioral problems, and as you can imagine, I get tired. I get worn down. I get exhausted emotionally carrying around hopes for the well-being of my munchkins in my heart.

One of Heather’s go to philosophies (the tagline of her blog, even) is “Make one healthy decision. Now make another.”

I get bogged DOWN, y’all.

It’s hard sometimes to give a FLYING CRAP about what I eat or if I workout, or whatever.

But every time…

Without fail…

When I get off my bum and make a smart decision for myself… my heart swells, and my body rejoices, and it screams at me to keep it up.

That being said, I went to a hip hop class last night here in Denton, and I sweated my brains out. IT was so great, and I can’t WAIT to go back next week.

In other adorable news…

We’ve got a new little friend…

Do you see him…

Isn’t he the most handsome-est little ball of feathers you ever-did-see!?!

Sometimes I feel like a little baby bird… trying to find my wings. Find my stride. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got my eyes closed, and I’m just hoping something/someone comes along to nourish me, guide me, help me keep it all together.

And sometimes, it seems like we fall out of the nest before we even get a chance…

But maybe, just maybe… if I flap my little wings hard enough… my heart will continue to lighten, and I’ll have more bright moments of soaring spirits.

Until tomorrow, my darlings!

© Kelsey for Kelsey Toney, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: friends, heather, life

It’s embarrassing to say:

I’ve worked out 6 times in 2 months.

I’ve gained several pounds.

My muscles are soggy.

My arms are wiggling.

I don’t have the stamina to run for an hour.

I ate LOTS of cheese this week. (seriously, a lot)

I don’t want more vegetables.

I’m not on a wagon.

I’m not an inspiration.

I know that there isn’t a person on the face of the planet that is more critical of me, than me. I am my own worst critic, I know… but that being said, I’m still frustrated. I might sit with livewriter open for an hour, and just never find the right words. I want to tell you that…

I’m PROUD for going to Yoga every week, for strength and meditation since January first.

I’m practicing moderation, and eating better.

I’ve lost a couple pounds back, and never actually HIT the “never-again-unhealthy-for-me-150” (It was close though… within 1 pound from that milestone)

I’ve been on the treadmill (3 times) and done the 30 Day Shred (once, but it was epic).

I’m giving myself time to reclaim the fitness that I let slip from my fingers since October.

I’m balancing an incredibly difficult job with all of the other things that I love.

I really, really like sharing my experiences with you, because you share your experiences with me…

But telling you the second list, requires your knowledge of the first.

So, know that the first list is true.

But so is the second.

And I want to be more willing to share the DOWNS of being healthy, not just the UPS. Cause the downs are when we cling to each other, and gather love and support from those around us… those who read us… those who pay attention to our journey.

Cause I want to WANT to talk to you. Because you’ve never done anything but encourage, and encouragement is exactly what I need right now, as I continue to improve myself, (showing kindness to myself) one day at a time.

© Kelsey for Kelsey Toney, 2011. | Permalink | 10 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: health, life, weight

I wanted to jump on the proverbial bandwagon, and post a brief collection of the KelseyToney.com posts from the last year that have meant the most to me for a myriad of reasons.

So, without further adieu,

…the memorable posts of 2010!!

January 21, 2010 – keeping it real (no, really.)

In this post, I discussed the self esteem crushing attitudes that I (and other bloggers) take on when we try to equate the number of subscribers, commenters, and or page views that we have on our blogs. One of the primary elements of my personality that I wish I could change, is my need for constant feedback. While my readership has continued to grow… despite my shortcomings in the arena of regular daily (or even weekly blogging), this blog has never had large amounts of comments. For whatever the reason. In this post I scrapped the notion that my worth, or the worth of my thoughts and feelings are measured by my blog feedback… and it felt great.

February 3, 2010 – KelsNotChels Rewind: Death to the Coin Laundromat

This post was just fun… it’s an excerpt from a 2004 livejournal entry in which I describe, in tragic detail how I managed to completely embarrass myself in the coin laundromat. Highlights include a male patron, and my skivvies combining in an anecdote I’m so glad to have chronicled.

February 10, 2010 – When they STOP mentioning it

This post is one that I REALLY hope you’ll go back and re-read if you’ve lost weight over the past few weeks, months, or years… because eventually… your friends and family will STOP complimenting you every time they see you, and you’ll just be you. And we have to… I mean HAVE to be okay when that influx of constant praise and encouragement is replaced with just regular conversation. This one is SO important to me, that upon reading it again tonight, I couldn’t believe I’d even written it. I’d like to copy and paste a few points here, just in case some of you have Forget-to-click-the-link-itis…

I am keeping three things in mind, to help me look inward for love and acceptance FIRST. I hope they will help you to love and appreciate yourself in all ways.

1. FIND it in others – Go out of your way to find the beauty, strength, efforts in others. Shower them with love and support. DOUSE them with praise and affirmation as often as you can. In my experience, that much love comes back to you, either in words, actions, good feelings, or self reflection. Finding those small, often unnoticed victories in other people helps us to see those same small glorious lights in our own lives. Essentially, practice makes perfect, and love breeds love.

2. FIND a routine – Every time I think about myself, think about my body, start/complete a workout, or look in the mirror, I try to say one of those things that would make me smile if a friend/coworker said it instead. The cheesier, the better, cause then I just end up laughing, and increasing my joy in two ways. Systematically works best, I’ve found. Either at the onset and completion of every workout, or each morning and night, scheduling it in my day, ensures that it isn’t left behind. Complimenting and encouraging myself is part of my daily routine.

3. FIND the hidden truth – Look for victories that no one else COULD celebrate. Triumphs that exist and are measured only in your own mind. No one else knows that it is the third day in a row you’ve not called yourself ugly, or the first time you’ve liked the way you look in your underwear. Those moments are yours, and only yours. Celebrate them, as you would any other joy, but keep it for your own. Special and personal, the praise you provide yourself for feats unspoken.

March 5, 2010 – Guest Post: More Than Series

This post was part of heather’s More Than Series… In it, I discussed how health and fitness was more than just about how much (or how little) I worked out, or how well I ate. For me, it was about how I treated myself. How I made sure that above all, I was HAPPY.

Because NO amount of fitness can take the place of happy.

April 6, 2010 – The Converse Effect

Man… Spring 2010 was one of GREAT learning for me. It’s a shame that I seem to have forgotten many of these lessons as fall has come and gone, and winter has set in…

This is flat out one of my favorite blog posts to date… I really, really want to tape it to my freaking wall…

“I’ve got to do what makes my heart happy… and if that means twice a day blogging… fine. If it means twice a month blogging… fine.

If that means, auditioning on a whim for a musical? FINE!

If that means that I get called scatterbrained or easily distracted… so be it.

You know what ladies? (and the few random men who might read…)

You should NEVER apologize for NOT BLOGGING.

I free you! I free you of non-blogging guilt! You don’t owe me an apology if you disappear from twitter for a few nights… you don’t owe me a damn thing.

We’ve ALL just got to do what we have to do! We need to do what makes us happy… Follow that whim! Take up that hobby!

EVEN IF its the 7th one you’ve taken up since January first… because in the end… our life is just a series of hobbies, activities, fleeting interests.

I am on a constant quest to stop caring about what other people think of me… and part of that, is doing whatever fleeting, flashing, shining thing pops in my head.”

April 28, 2010 – Flowers Just Bloom

This post is about a lesson I learned at Yoga, and how it made me want to be a more proud, shining, FULL me…

I was reminded that

“Flowers just bloom.

They don’t compare themselves to other blossoms.

They don’t want for more or less petals.

They don’t wish they were another color.

They don’t feel insecure if they open more quickly or slowly than another.

They don’t feel guilty if they’re more symmetrical or tall than another bud.

Flowers just bloom.”

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It isn’t lost on me that all of these posts are from the first HALF of the year… Let me just say that the second half of my year felt, as I see it now in hindsight, much less… victorious.

In the coming days, as I re-center, and refresh my heart in the bright shining potential of a new year, I’m sure I’ll talk to you about what I’ve been experiencing this fall and winter.

I thank you in advance for the love and support that I know you each continue to give by just sharing the journey with me.

xoxo

© Kelsey for Kelsey Toney, 2010. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: blogging, happiness, life, newyears, reflection