The Fitaversary That Wasn’t
(This is going to be a long one… and a personal one… just fair warning.)
Several years ago, I decided to get healthy…
I lost just under 40 lbs, and have kept it off.
I celebrated each year, on my “Fitaversary” and relished in the pride of keeping up with my healthfulness for another year.
A couple of years ago, in November, I got plantar fasciitis which ended my dedicated running endeavors (not because I can’t ever run again, but because it derailed my streak… what can I say?)… I did a few musicals after that, and as my weight stayed down, I stopped being terribly interested in regular workouts. Not that I don’t understand that they’re important, but I just lost focus, I guess… It became really easy to just feel like, “well, my weight’s the same, so why bother getting sweaty”.
This November, I didn’t celebrate a fitaversary… and I wanted to tell you why.
A couple of months ago, I encountered and faced a new opponent that changed my health game yet again.
After 14 years of constant problems during my monthly cycle, I finally found a doctor who identified by previously un-named problem.
Endometriosis.
At LEAST 6 million women in the United States have this disease (The Endometriosis Association -www.killercramps.org).
You may have heard of endometriosis, but you likely have a very foggy understanding of what this condition actually is.
Thousands more are yet undiagnosed, and untreated, (as I was) because many doctors simply are under-educated about this mysterious and complicated disease.
A simple way of describing endometriosis is to say that uterine cells, growing outside of the uterus cause incredible, chronic pain which often accompanies a woman’s period. Symptoms include intense pain during menstruation, back pain, fatigue, GI issues, and in my case, regular monthly fainting spells.
When I finally found my doctor, and found that he was a specialist who not only completely understood how intensely endo had been interfering with my life, but also had a plan for treatment, I was elated.
This fall, I decided to undergo a laparoscopic surgery, which would allow my doctor to excise endometrial cells from wherever they’d been growing in my abdomen.
Anyway, the procedure went well, and I’m recovering nicely. I have three little scars on my abdomen, but I’m sure they’ll fade over time.
I was tended to by my unbelievable selfless husband. Honestly, I can’t put into words how it felt to be so vulnerable to someone, and to trust so completely that they’ve got your back 100%. I have to say that the connection to my hubby was probably the biggest surprise blessing of the whole thing.
The second phase of treatment involves inhibiting my body’s ability to produce the hormones that cause endometrial cells to grow.
This part of the process is a little bit scary, as the medicine carries with it some potentially troubling side effects.
I haven’t decided exactly how candid I want to be about this phase of treatment, because… I don’t know. It’s scary to share personal information. You never know how people will react, what people will say, who will make judgements about your life. And this part of treatment is… complicated. So, I think I’m going to leave it at that for now.
The point is that during this part of treatment, I’m going to have to fight for my health.
If I don’t want to devolve into a pudgy, out of breath, busted up version of who I’ve become, I’m going to have to really work hard…
Because it is SO EASY TO BE LAZY.
So, I hope that this year I’ll regain some of my FITNESS…
I don’t give a crap about my weight. Weight is a ridiculous number, and in my case, it’s virtually a constant. I just want to feel fit again, and feel strong again.
I’m going to be combatting, not only laziness, but changes to my mood and disposition, and the last thing I need is to get all flabby AND depressed.
I’ve had a hard time deciding how to keep blogging.
Truth be told, I love blogging, but it’s hard when what you want to share is really personal. Because you don’t know who’s reading, who’s on your side, and who’s going to give a crap and care about going through your journey with you.
But, I can’t deny that when I’m blogging, I’m distinctly more accountable… and distinctly more likely to keep up with my commitments.
So, I’m going to try. REALLY HARD.
And I hope you’ll be interested in keeping up with my progress.
(Special squishy hugs to my girls, Devon – from “Confections of a Food Bitch” and Jessica from “Let’s Get Fit” who are two of my oldest blogging buddies. They’ve both posted this week after long absences, and they both inspired me to dust off the old keyboard, put on my big girl panties and share what I’m going through even though I’ve been silent. So, thanks to both of you for the inspiration… yet again. 
)
Sweet Freedom!
I know. You kinda want to kick me in the teeth right now. But I can’t help being excited. I’ve had a busy, crazy, intense year at work, and I’m so grateful for this part of being a teacher!
The next 10 weeks or so should be filled with enjoying our new patio, tending the garden, reading, rehearsing (and performing), and a lot of relaxing and rejuvenation.
I was thinking about when I was a kid during summer vacations. For a few of the most pivotal years in my teens, my mom decided to intervene upon my extreme inclination towards laziness. She insisted that I get my dead ass out of bed, and do something. I had a schedule that I followed most days. It contained things like… breakfast by 9, walk to library at 10:30 (at least a few days a week), 1-2 hours of TV max, and having all chores done by 2pm.
I didn’t like it at the time. But she knows me so well. And she knows that, not only do schedules give me structure, but I, in fact, THRIVE with structure.
I’m a pretty sedentary person, if I just went with what my natural instinct is. I love being cuddled up. I love watching movies. I love playing video games. I love being on my computer. I love reading. I could sleep until noon or 1, and wake up, and go through the day without getting off the couch.
That is the person I may be by my nature, but it is not the person I want to be by CHOICE. 
So, I think this year, I’m going to design a schedule for myself. Something to get me out of bed, get my work outs in, and keep up with all of the things I want to do around the house. A schedule will keep me from WASTING my summer, but will also ensure that I keep a couple hours a day for reading, or blogging, or whatever.
I’m very excited for all that this summer holds.
Do I have any fellow teachers out there? Any great summer plans?
one good turn deserves another
So, one of the BEST bloggers in the universe (in my humble opinion) is my friend, Heather. She blogs at Then Heather Said.com and hers is generally the place I go when I need a bit of perspective, or uplifting advice, or just DOWN TO EARTH discussion about life.
I’ve got a very, very, VERY high stress job at times. I work with adolescents who have some type of emotional or behavioral problems, and as you can imagine, I get tired. I get worn down. I get exhausted emotionally carrying around hopes for the well-being of my munchkins in my heart.
One of Heather’s go to philosophies (the tagline of her blog, even) is “Make one healthy decision. Now make another.”
I get bogged DOWN, y’all.
It’s hard sometimes to give a FLYING CRAP about what I eat or if I workout, or whatever.
But every time…
Without fail…
When I get off my bum and make a smart decision for myself… my heart swells, and my body rejoices, and it screams at me to keep it up. 
That being said, I went to a hip hop class last night here in Denton, and I sweated my brains out. IT was so great, and I can’t WAIT to go back next week.
In other adorable news…
We’ve got a new little friend…
Do you see him…
Isn’t he the most handsome-est little ball of feathers you ever-did-see!?!
Sometimes I feel like a little baby bird… trying to find my wings. Find my stride. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got my eyes closed, and I’m just hoping something/someone comes along to nourish me, guide me, help me keep it all together.
And sometimes, it seems like we fall out of the nest before we even get a chance…
But maybe, just maybe… if I flap my little wings hard enough… my heart will continue to lighten, and I’ll have more bright moments of soaring spirits.
Until tomorrow, my darlings!
I don’t wanna to talk to you.
Sometimes…I just don’t wanna talk to you.
It’s embarrassing to say:
I’ve worked out 6 times in 2 months.
I’ve gained several pounds.
My muscles are soggy.
My arms are wiggling.
I don’t have the stamina to run for an hour.
I ate LOTS of cheese this week. (seriously, a lot)
I don’t want more vegetables.
I’m not on a wagon.
I’m not an inspiration.
I know that there isn’t a person on the face of the planet that is more critical of me, than me. I am my own worst critic, I know… but that being said, I’m still frustrated. I might sit with livewriter open for an hour, and just never find the right words. I want to tell you that…
I’m PROUD for going to Yoga every week, for strength and meditation since January first.
I’m practicing moderation, and eating better.
I’ve lost a couple pounds back, and never actually HIT the “never-again-unhealthy-for-me-150” (It was close though… within 1 pound from that milestone)
I’ve been on the treadmill (3 times) and done the 30 Day Shred (once, but it was epic).
I’m giving myself time to reclaim the fitness that I let slip from my fingers since October.
I’m balancing an incredibly difficult job with all of the other things that I love.
I really, really like sharing my experiences with you, because you share your experiences with me…
But telling you the second list, requires your knowledge of the first.
So, know that the first list is true.
But so is the second.
And I want to be more willing to share the DOWNS of being healthy, not just the UPS. Cause the downs are when we cling to each other, and gather love and support from those around us… those who read us… those who pay attention to our journey.
Cause I want to WANT to talk to you. Because you’ve never done anything but encourage, and encouragement is exactly what I need right now, as I continue to improve myself, (showing kindness to myself) one day at a time.
memorable posts of 2010
Hey friends! I hope your holiday was festive and filled with tolerable measures of insanity, indulgence, and inspiration.
I wanted to jump on the proverbial bandwagon, and post a brief collection of the KelseyToney.com posts from the last year that have meant the most to me for a myriad of reasons. 
So, without further adieu,
…the memorable posts of 2010!!
January 21, 2010 – keeping it real (no, really.)
In this post, I discussed the self esteem crushing attitudes that I (and other bloggers) take on when we try to equate the number of subscribers, commenters, and or page views that we have on our blogs. One of the primary elements of my personality that I wish I could change, is my need for constant feedback. While my readership has continued to grow… despite my shortcomings in the arena of regular daily (or even weekly blogging), this blog has never had large amounts of comments. For whatever the reason. In this post I scrapped the notion that my worth, or the worth of my thoughts and feelings are measured by my blog feedback… and it felt great.
February 3, 2010 – KelsNotChels Rewind: Death to the Coin Laundromat
This post was just fun… it’s an excerpt from a 2004 livejournal entry in which I describe, in tragic detail how I managed to completely embarrass myself in the coin laundromat. Highlights include a male patron, and my skivvies combining in an anecdote I’m so glad to have chronicled.
February 10, 2010 – When they STOP mentioning it
This post is one that I REALLY hope you’ll go back and re-read if you’ve lost weight over the past few weeks, months, or years… because eventually… your friends and family will STOP complimenting you every time they see you, and you’ll just be you. And we have to… I mean HAVE to be okay when that influx of constant praise and encouragement is replaced with just regular conversation. This one is SO important to me, that upon reading it again tonight, I couldn’t believe I’d even written it. I’d like to copy and paste a few points here, just in case some of you have Forget-to-click-the-link-itis…
I am keeping three things in mind, to help me look inward for love and acceptance FIRST. I hope they will help you to love and appreciate yourself in all ways.
1. FIND it in others – Go out of your way to find the beauty, strength, efforts in others. Shower them with love and support. DOUSE them with praise and affirmation as often as you can. In my experience, that much love comes back to you, either in words, actions, good feelings, or self reflection. Finding those small, often unnoticed victories in other people helps us to see those same small glorious lights in our own lives. Essentially, practice makes perfect, and love breeds love.
2. FIND a routine – Every time I think about myself, think about my body, start/complete a workout, or look in the mirror, I try to say one of those things that would make me smile if a friend/coworker said it instead. The cheesier, the better, cause then I just end up laughing, and increasing my joy in two ways. Systematically works best, I’ve found. Either at the onset and completion of every workout, or each morning and night, scheduling it in my day, ensures that it isn’t left behind. Complimenting and encouraging myself is part of my daily routine.
3. FIND the hidden truth – Look for victories that no one else COULD celebrate. Triumphs that exist and are measured only in your own mind. No one else knows that it is the third day in a row you’ve not called yourself ugly, or the first time you’ve liked the way you look in your underwear. Those moments are yours, and only yours. Celebrate them, as you would any other joy, but keep it for your own. Special and personal, the praise you provide yourself for feats unspoken.
March 5, 2010 – Guest Post: More Than Series
This post was part of heather’s More Than Series… In it, I discussed how health and fitness was more than just about how much (or how little) I worked out, or how well I ate. For me, it was about how I treated myself. How I made sure that above all, I was HAPPY.
Because NO amount of fitness can take the place of happy.
April 6, 2010 – The Converse Effect
Man… Spring 2010 was one of GREAT learning for me. It’s a shame that I seem to have forgotten many of these lessons as fall has come and gone, and winter has set in…
This is flat out one of my favorite blog posts to date… I really, really want to tape it to my freaking wall…
“I’ve got to do what makes my heart happy… and if that means twice a day blogging… fine. If it means twice a month blogging… fine.
If that means, auditioning on a whim for a musical? FINE!
If that means that I get called scatterbrained or easily distracted… so be it.
You know what ladies? (and the few random men who might read…)
You should NEVER apologize for NOT BLOGGING.
I free you! I free you of non-blogging guilt! You don’t owe me an apology if you disappear from twitter for a few nights… you don’t owe me a damn thing.
We’ve ALL just got to do what we have to do! We need to do what makes us happy… Follow that whim! Take up that hobby!
EVEN IF its the 7th one you’ve taken up since January first… because in the end… our life is just a series of hobbies, activities, fleeting interests.
I am on a constant quest to stop caring about what other people think of me… and part of that, is doing whatever fleeting, flashing, shining thing pops in my head.”
April 28, 2010 – Flowers Just Bloom
This post is about a lesson I learned at Yoga, and how it made me want to be a more proud, shining, FULL me…
I was reminded that
“Flowers just bloom.
They don’t compare themselves to other blossoms.
They don’t want for more or less petals.
They don’t wish they were another color.
They don’t feel insecure if they open more quickly or slowly than another.
They don’t feel guilty if they’re more symmetrical or tall than another bud.
Flowers just bloom.”
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It isn’t lost on me that all of these posts are from the first HALF of the year… Let me just say that the second half of my year felt, as I see it now in hindsight, much less… victorious.
In the coming days, as I re-center, and refresh my heart in the bright shining potential of a new year, I’m sure I’ll talk to you about what I’ve been experiencing this fall and winter.
I thank you in advance for the love and support that I know you each continue to give by just sharing the journey with me.
xoxo
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