The dam broke.
This will be brief, as it’s rounding 8:30 and ALL I want to do is go crawl into bed…
1. I stumbled upon the most remarkable thing. When I take my vitamins (A multi, a B combo, and a calcium) at night, I wake up and have a better day. I feel more energized, and I feel more balanced. I feel distinctly more capable of handling my day… even when things are tough.
I don’t know if there’s actually any science behind this, or if it is even real (placebo maybe?), but I don’t care. When I remember, I feel better the next day. So, check plus on that.
2. Tonight, when I got home, I was so crushed by fatigue. This drug has done things that I’m still, only now, discovering. My eyes are lined with baggy rings, and I’ve been riddled with feelings of despair (that I already know, and have previously discussed) and that I know are completely FALSE, and induced by these chemicals.
When I look in the mirror, it’s so strange to not see the person I recognize to be myself. Seriously, guys… the bags are so heavy, I feel like they’re pulling the skin down my face.
It makes me sad to see them.
Anyway, so, I came home, and wanted to just relax for a bit, take my mind off of everything. I tweeted some sad sack something about how horrible I’ve been feeling… and one of my friends, Julie – who doesn’t live anywhere near me, and who I’m still just getting to know, replies to ask me if there’s anything to do to make it better… And then she tells me she’s been thinking of me and has a little card to send.
That’s all it took, folks.
The days and days of forcing these baseless tears down came to a snotty end, as I lay myself down, in my bed and just wept.
It was a good weep though. I think maybe it’s not so bad to cry for no reason, as long as you know that it’s not real.
Even now, a few hours later, I still feel completely fragile.
Helpless even. In that I can’t force myself to stop feeling all of these complicated and messy feelings.
I like being in control… and I can’t control how quickly this drug will leave my system.
I’m off to get some rest, and see if I can’t undo some of these bags.
Have a great Friday! 
kissing the new year in…
**Bonus points for anyone who knows where yesterday and today’s blog titles come from!**
Last year I made some “goals” I guess you’d say. I never blogged about my intention for the year, because I guess I felt it was private, but I think my decision was a great one. So good, in fact, that it’s my “resolution” this year too.
(I don’t like thinking of it as a resolution… cause I think resolutions are so rarely kept, but “intention” is a concept I can definitely get behind.)
Taking action.
That was my heart last year.
Of course, there is the literal concept of taking action physically, hopefully spurring more laps, more squats, more crunches and the like. But I wanted to turn “Action” into my life’s motto.
I, dear friends, am a lazy, lazy, lazy girl.
Daron can testify, I am seriously a lump. I can lay around for DAYS. I can spend the whole of spring break laying on the couch for 10-12 hours a day, surfing, watching tv, or reading. The need to be physically active isn’t something that I naturally crave. I almost NEVER get cabin fever. Honestly, I just don’t.
So last year, I decided that I’d look for opportunities to fight off passivity, and take action.
This meant:
-Moving my body more
-Going to auditions, even when I was horribly scared
-Keeping on top of my share of the housework
-Getting up and offering to take care of any business that needs taking care of
-Not putting off tasks that can be completed now
-Saying “Yes” to opportunities to do new things
That mentality really served me last year. Of course, it wasn’t as present in the forefront of my mind by November… and when I was in pain following surgery, I certainly wasn’t taking much action… But on the whole, it was an excellent theme.
So, this year, I want to continue it. I want to continue being someone who ACTS.
not hesitates.
not vascilates.
not fluctuates.
not procrastinates.
but acts.
I hope that my life isn’t something I observe, but is, instead, something I create.
I want to look back at my life experiences with awe and excitement, knowing that I did my part, and put myself in the best position possible to get the most out of life. I don’t think everything is in my control, but I want to know that I’ve been a participant in my own existence.
I hope you all have incredible kick off for 2012.
I’d love to know any tips, advice, or ideas you have that will help me reach my goal of taking more ACTION!
Oh! And did anyone figure out the title references? 
kissing the old year out…
2011 was a really good year…
When I think back on the year, I have an overwhelmingly positive feeling. That doesn’t mean that nothing bad happened, obviously… but on the whole, it was a good one…
I started my year off with the New Years Day intention setting session at my favorite yoga studio, and went to classes for 6 straight weeks. It was an incredible start to the year…
I got to perform and sing in front of hundreds of fellow actors/singers in the opening of a Dallas/Fort Worth theatre awards ceremony. It was SO fun.
Daron and I went on a snowy adventure when we had some SERIOUS snow days!!
I started the “life well lived” movement… wherein I started logging all of the incredible things in life that I’ve already done! Things that are INCREDIBLE, and that should never be taken for granted…
I studied at a song performance workshop for 6 weeks with an INCREDIBLE teacher, and learned so much that I use everytime I audition or perform.
I saw the musical “Rock of Ages” not once, but twice… and in two different STATES! It has surprised me by becoming one of my FAVORITE shows. SERIOUSLY.
Hanging on the lawn before Rock of Ages
I was cast as Maureen – a DREAM role if there ever was one in RENT – My favorite musical of all time. And I got to perform with people I now consider family…
I got to spend some time with Heather on memorial day weekend, and created an incredible hop scotch arena.
Daron and I finally got our patio cover installed and now have an incredible outdoor space that we love SO Much!!
I found grey hairs 1-8… which I’m okay with.
I celebrated 6 years of marriage with my darling hubby!!
I got to perform at a preview for the upcoming season of a local theatre company, and stretched my under developed comedy muscles…
I got early access to pottermore, which made me feel like a nerdy, nerdy gangsta.
I got a macbook pro and an ipad 2, turning myself into a pretty legit mac fangirl.
I performed at a cabaret for my friend, the author of Little Girl Blue, the Karen Carpenter biography.
I started another incredible school year at my work, the best middle school EVER.
I survived my first real surgery.
I started a band with my hubby, and we released our first EP…
I’m feeling pretty lucky right about now…
I’m alive, and I’m loved… and I love so many people.
It’s a wonderful life, y’all.
Sharing the Flame
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
Happy New (School) Year!
Fancy seeing you here!
The start of the school year always feels like the true “New Year” for me.
Fallen Leaves in Central Park -October 2010
There’s something so perfect about the start of fall. The pure bliss that we feel (here in Texas) when the weather finally starts to cool down, and the excitement that the kids carry with them through the hallways at work make me feel happy.
I start to dream about adding pumpkins to my decor, and even let my mind wander to the winter holidays that absolutely fill my heart with joy.
Autumn is the ultimate beginning, because Summer is the ultimate crecendo. This summer was absolutely amazing. I spent the whole time working on a project I loved with my whole heart, making friends I’ll have FOREVER. (RENT is definitely going to have its own blog post in the next few days.)
Summer is so vibrant and exciting – when you have it off… I know it makes non-teachers want to punch me, but it really is awesome. Summer is HEAT and tanktops, ice cubes, and fireworks… It is the epic drum fill and wailing guitar solo at the end of a rock song.
Autumn is the silence that follows, the quiet space when the world around us begins to get weary and prepares for rest. Restoration.
I’m still definitely in the heat of summer, where I live, and I know I have some weeks to go until it’s actually tolerable outside, but the start of school… it’s the first step.
I almost deleted my blog this summer… for good… but that’s just part of the haste and chaos of summer, isn’t it?
Now that things are normalizing and I’m entering the part of the year that I feel like myself again, I’m looking forward to seeing if this little webspace still has some lessons left to teach me.
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