Okay… here’s the deal.

This is hard. Blogging is DIFFICULT for me sometimes… not because I don’t like writing, not because I don’t enjoy expressing myself, but because I get scared.

I get scared of being honest.

I get scared of putting my feelings out for the world to see.

I get scared of being thought foolish, or lazy, or false.

I get scared of what you’ll think of me…

I get scared that you’ll have no opinion at all.

One of my goals for 2010 is to care a whole lot less about what everyone thinks of me. To not measure myself against anyone else… to not measure my value in blog comments or @replies, or emails.

But I find myself sensoring myself, and leaving out details and information… experiences I’m going through, for fear of your reaction (or lack of reaction).

So, I’m going to take a page from heather and mish,  (two girls who are so refreshingly candid that it makes me write posts like this) and work on being more honest with you, because, let’s face it. You’re my friends… my family… my accountability. If I can’t be honest with you, then I’m almost certainly not being honest with myself.

That being said, I need to come clean about something (probably several somethings, but one day at a time! )

I’ve been pretty quiet about my participation in the Dallas Rock n Roll half marathon.

In December, I went for an amazing 4 mile run. I felt strong and steady… like I could run for days. The following morning, I could barely walk. I brushed it off, rested for a few weeks, got on our dtreadmill and blundered through about half a mile before quitting due to pain. Two mondays ago, I got on again, and managed to run 30 seconds before literally falling off in tears.

I vistited the podiatrist, who confirmed that I have a case of plantar fasciitis and peroneal tendonitis. She’s told me that I won’t be running for a couple of weeks for sure, until my follow up appointment next week where we’ll “see where things are”. I still experience pain daily (hourly?) and I’ve got to keep it real. Even if she decides that the PF is better by March, I will CERTAINLY not be running 13 miles comfortably, not to mention that as someone recovering from PF, the idea of running/walking for 3 hours is, at this point, NOT recommended by my doctor.

I’ve cried, trust me.

But can you believe that my tears were because I would have to tell YOU? Cause I don’t want you, (many of you, strangers) to think that I’m weak, or quitting, or making excuses.

Girls like caitlin, for example, just seem to LAUGH in the face of injury… (Is she tougher than me? Is she made of stronger stuff than I?)

So, with a heavy heart, I have to be honest with you, and with myself. The 2010 Rock n Roll half is just NOT a healthy endeavor for me.

UGGHHHHHHHHHH.

I just have to be smart, and I have to stay healthy, and I have to get well so that I can run until I’m 90 years old, and part of that is making good decisions. There are a bajillion of other halfs, and when I’m well, I know that I’ll take one on. I know that it will happen, but I have to listen to my body and my doctor.

I’ve worried that I’m letting you all down. I’ve worried that you’ll feel like I haven’t earned your respect… that I’m not hardcore enough.

(I’m sure you won’t  believe this, but there are girls, more than I ever expected, who have told me that I have inspired them. That I’ve encouraged them to be better, reach higher, work harder. And I’ve worried that I don’t deserve that admiration. That I don’t deserve to be in a position of influence, of guidance, of leadership.)

But, this  is a passing of a torch. A closing of a chapter.

I just can’t care so much what you think, and I can’t wait on baited breath for your approval, and I can’t cry over your disappointment.

I’ve got to stop being so hard on myself, and start loving and nurturing my efforts and progress instead…

So, there it is. Time to click “publish”

xo